Live and Let Live

My mum has always been one of those people who believed in that quote that "we are not as impotant to everyone else as we think we are"?...or something like that. And it was never meant to be self deprecating, just realistic. Like when I'd be worried about what to wear to an event, she would say, "alison, while this is very important to you, everyone else will not be worried about what you are wearing...they are worrying about themselves! I know you'll look beautiful in whatever you wear"

But I've always kind of stood out in a crowd, for one reason or another. And while I've tried my darndest to believe this quote, I feel like I have been proven wrong time and again. Like this week for example. A year after the drama that hurt my heart more than anyone can imagine and shook my little world to the ground, I decided to embark on a bit of a cathartic, albeit silly creative writing project. Many may not know this, but I actually only know about 10 of the "friends" who follow this blog...the rest of you, I am proud to say are "new friends"; people I have never met, but who have read me + have supported me. My posts were never intended to be read by anyone I knew in real life {who was not already aware of the story...or any story for that matter}. It was a life preserver for someone I don't know yet; someone who might have been suffering through their own "mean girls" experience, and after reading a post, might suddenly not feel as alone as I have?

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However, this week I was tipped off to a 3rd group of readers: Foes. I do not believe myself to be that self important and would never have dreamed that the people who made their dislike for me so plainly apparent, who neither speak to me nor look in my direction when they see me out, would be stalking my little blog! I do not advertise this site to townsfolk and told no one about my "creative writing project", so I can only deduct that every so often one {or all few?} of my "biggest fans" will slink over to see what I've been writing about. I can only imagine the frenzy of phone calls, emails and jaw flapping that my posts stirred up.

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But here is the thing, I kind of feel skeeved out. It is as if I just found out some pervert has been spying on me during private moments. I know this is a public blog on the www., but c'mon, what purpose could any of my "biggest fans" have for comming here? It's not like you'd accidentally happen across it! I don't involve myself where I am clearly not welcome, why can they not do the same? This only serves to illustrate exactly how disgusting the situation is. And ofcourse, the timing is always impeccable with these things. After a long week, "four" kids, a career with a preformance evaluation yesterday during my 8am lecture to prepare for, this was just the icing on the cake. When the news broke, I was furious... and also afraid of what form reatiliation would end up taking. I yelled and I cried. Would I ever just be left alone?

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Sadly, I need to apologize for not continuing with the creative writing project....but after this post, I don't think I need to. Part of me feels defeated; that for all of the "growing + changing" I've talked about doing in this space, I am still very intimidated by this group of women. However, on the other hand, I have managed to create a nice life over the last year, inspite of all of this drama and ill treatment. I look at it as self preservation and I'm not willing to gamble with my own peace of mind, or that of my children. While creative writing may have been nixed, my plan is to stick with my usual topics for a time...and besides, at the moment, I'm too busy talking my mister off of the phone with a realtor to do anything uber creative anyway.

So ladies, friends and foes, at what point can we just grow up and Live and Let Live?

Because I am not going anywhere.